6/1/2014

I had to turn the page, I had to unfold the map, I had to hold the top button and the home button simultaneously for three seconds and soft-reset my head.  I could try to tell you why I had to do all of these things but I wouldn’t know how.  It’s a feeling, it’s not a thought, I wasn’t thinking bad thoughts, or even feeling bad feelings.  But I knew I had to leave.  Here’s what it is, maybe:  I felt raw.  I felt exposed.  Those aren’t exactly it, but this is:  Robert Penn Warren wrote that west is where you go when you get the letter saying flee, all is discovered.  Well, I needed to go west.  I needed to leave the place I was in my head.  

I didn’t know how to do it.  This happens a lot, I never know how to do it.  Sometimes taking a nap works, but sometimes taking a nap makes it worse.  I didn’t try taking a nap.  Sometimes reading a book works.  Reading the Kindle has yet to work.  I was unsatisfied with the books presented to me.  What usually works is a trip to the library, but West Circle Drive is a long way away.  Sometimes taking a walk works, but I think yesterday’s walk is what put me here, is what revealed too much.  My legs were tired anyway.  Central Park has yet to work.  I had to stay in my room and figure it out.  Sometimes music works.  This time music worked.

This is what I am actually doing when I am cancelling plans.  I am going west.  I feel lighter now.


http://f.cl.ly/items/1p1T0G373n2623343g0z/01%20Sister%20Mary_Welcome%20Home.mp3